Tag: Funniest

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The Funniest Chelsea Quotes… Ever!

From Jose Mourinho to Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris, Chelsea managers and players have kept us entertained with some truly hilarious sound bites over the years. In this comprehensive collection, author Gordon Law has compiled more than 250 side-splitting quotes and quips from the men of Stamford Bridge. Packed with loads of classic one-liners, wise-cracks, verbal volleys and mixed metaphors, this book will have you chuckling throughout the season.

“Mark Hughes is playing better and better, even if he’s starting to look like a pigeon.” Gianluca Vialli

“Chelsea were a sausage, eggs and chips club before the foreign players arrived.” Dennis Wise.

“Wisey said I think too much. But I have to do all his thinking for him.” Gianfranco Zola

“With hindsight, it’s easy to look at it with hindsight.” Glenn Hoddle

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The Funniest Spurs Quotes… Ever!

Tottenham Hotspur players and managers have kept us entertained with some truly mad, bonkers and often outrageous remarks over the years. In this comprehensive collection, author Gordon Law has compiled more than 250 side-splitting quotes and quips from the men of White Hart Lane. Packed with loads of classic one-liners, wise-cracks, verbal volleys and mixed metaphors, this book will have you chuckling throughout the season.

“You can never compare two players that are different, they’re never going to be the same.” Glenn Hoddle

“Are there any diving schools in London?” Jurgen Klinsmann

“There’s no in between – you’re either good or bad. We were in between.” Gary Lineker

“I never make predictions and I never will.” Paul Gascoigne

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The Funniest United Quotes… Ever!

Manchester United players and managers have kept us entertained with some truly mad, bonkers and often outrageous remarks over the years. In this comprehensive collection, author Gordon Law has compiled more than 300 of the most hilarious quotes and quips from the men of Old Trafford. Packed with loads of classic one-liners, wise-cracks, verbal volleys and mixed metaphors, this book will have you chuckling throughout the season.

“It was one of those goals that’s invariably a goal.” Denis Law

“My wife picked me out of a football sticker album and I chose her from a music video off the TV.” David Beckham

“I think if the referee had stood still, we wouldn’t have chased him.” Roy Keane

“The problem is not what we are doing badly, it is because we are not doing things well.” Patrice Evra

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Laughter Is the Best Medicine: @Work: America’s Funniest Jokes, Quotes, and Cartoons

Laughter the Best Medicine @ Work is a collection of eight decades’ worth of Reader’s Digest magazine jokes invovling jobs, the workplace, co-workers, bosses, excuses, sick days, etc.  There are over 1,000 jokes and anecdotes to lighten up your day!

Lighten up and laugh your way through the 9-to-5 grind with this mix of hilarious wisecracks, uproarious one-liners, full-color cartoons, and quotations from famous (and not-so-famous) wits. The hundreds of jokes and quips in Laughter the Best Medicine @ Work have been collected from more than eight decades’ worth of Reader’s Digest magazines and are guaranteed to brighten up your workday. You’ll find everything from outrageous resumes to creative excuses for calling in sick. So whether you suffer from an e-mail gone wrong, an irritating coworker, or a dreadful boss, you’ll see that laughter is the best medicine for all your work woes.

 

A survey sent out to our contractors posed the question, “What motivates you to come to work every day?” One guy answered, “Probation officer.”

—E. Hewitt

 

One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is “Position Wanted.” One job seeker wrote “Sitting.”

—Flo Traywick, Lynchburg, Virginia

 

What do you call twin policemen? Copies.

—Tyler Meason

 

My sister Angela was impressed by a job applicant’s confidence. “How will you gain your coworkers’ respect?” she asked. The reply: “Mainly through my misdemeanor.”

—Gretchen Duff, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

 

My laptop was driving me crazy. “The A, E, and I keys always stick,” I complained to a friend.

She quickly diagnosed the problem. “Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.”

—Angie Bulakites

 

 My coworker at the hotel was miserable at his job and was desperately searching for a new one.

“Why don’t you work for your mother?” I suggested.

 

He shook his head. “I can’t,” he said. “Her company has a very strict policy against hiring relatives.”

 

“Who made up that ridiculous rule?”

 

“My mother.”

—Doug Barilla, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

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The Funniest Quotes Book: 1001 of the Best Humourous Quotations

A fine quotation is a diamond in the hand of a man of wit and a pebble in the hand of a fool. Joseph Roux This is a collection of the funniest quotes culled by the author from the thousands that are out there to save the reader the trouble of perusing the multitude of mediocre to find the best. This is a book which you can just pick up anytime and carry on where you left off last time. It is for those who want to pep up a speech, a presentation or an email and for those who just want to sit at home and enjoy the best humorous quotations for their own amusement. In the author’s view the best humorous quotations are often those which contain an essence of truth viewed from an unexpected and quirky angle unseen previously.

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Laughter the Best Medicine: A Laugh-Out-Loud Collection of our Funniest Jokes, Quotes, Stories & Cartoons(Reader’s Digest)

More than 600 jokes, gags and laugh lines. Drawn from one of the most popular features of Reader’s Digest magazine, this collection of jokes, one-liners, and other lighthearted glimpses of life is just what the doctor ordered.

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NPR Funniest Driveway Moments: Radio Stories That Won’t Let You Go

Selected from the National Public Radio archives, these stories by some of NPR’s favorite commentators will keep listeners laughing.

A “driveway moment” is when you’re so captivated by a story on NPR that you stay in your car to hear it to the end—even if you’re sitting in your own driveway. Some are serious, some are touching, and some, like the stories included here, are very, very funny.

Literate, intelligent, and droll, each tale is worth hearing again and again, and now you don’t have to stay in your car.

NPR Funniest Driveway Moments includes stories and interviews from your favorite NPR commentators and guests such as David Sedaris, Sarah Silverman, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks, Dame Edna, Larry David, Darryl Littleton, Justice Stephen Breyer, Jonathan Winters, Phyllis Diller, Steve Martin, Lily Tomlin, and more.

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1001 Funniest Things Ever Said

Now in paperback!

Here are a thousand and one laugh-out-loud quotes, quips, and jokes, all in one packed-to-the-brim volume. Yes, folks, sit back and enjoy this collection of inadvertent gaffes, thigh-slappers, puns, and everything and anything else that’ll tickle your funny bone. There’s something old, something new, something stolen, and something blue—from favorite comedians, sports and political figures, and literary wits. There are even giggles for the kids and groaners for the grown-ups. Just a few among the 1,001 funniest things ever said:

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”—Rita Rudner

“I don’t know if it’s good for baseball, but it sure beats the hell out of rooming with Phil Rizzuto.”—Yogi Berra on being told that Joe DiMaggio was to marry Marilyn Monroe

“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.”—Malcolm Forbes

“The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then, after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’”—Bill Maher

Product Features

  • 1,001 Funniest Things Ever Said Book
  • Adult humor; not meant for children.
  • Softcover; 322 pgs.
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The 2,320 Funniest Quotes: The Most Hilarious Quips and One-Liners from allgreatquotes.com

ENJOY THE MOST HILARIOUS QUOTES OF ALL TIME
Presenting the best of the best from AllGreatQuotes.com, this uproarious volume features gems on every topic, from sex and money to spouses and politics. Bringing together clever remarks from celebrities, politicians, thinkers, comedians and generally funny people, this collection of snappy quotes will leave you in hysterics.

• God gave man a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.
— Robin Williams
• Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
— Spike Milligan
• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
— Oscar Wilde
• The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
— Homer Simpson
• When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his fi rst name was “Always.”
— Rita Rudner
• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
— George Burns